I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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