Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
well you can't waste a boner
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
