He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
