my phone needs a breathalizer
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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