Sry I called you an 8
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i think my mom watched the whole time
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
