I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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