Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
