Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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