What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
