I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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