i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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