I don't remember. Are we still dating?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
