I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
