I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
