it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
