you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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