there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I have tasted many bathrooms
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
