If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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