Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
