meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
