he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
