She is in my trunk
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
