I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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