The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
