I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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