the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
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