you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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