I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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