you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
