i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
