My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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