You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
