She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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