I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize