The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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