Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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