all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize