when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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