in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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