i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
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