I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize