Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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