Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Randomize
