As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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