I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
