got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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