Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
