I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
