Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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