Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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