Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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