dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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