You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
