i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
