so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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