I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize